Dearest One,
I write this after a day from the ninth circle of Hades, having realized that I can communicate into the multiverse 😉 and perhaps, by chance, you will one day read this. It is the best chance I have of communication, and I recall how much you adored the letters I once wrote. So, I write here in your absence from my world.
You are so deeply missed. My longing heart has not given me a moment’s rest in the time since you left. There is not an hour that I haven’t been reminded of you by your lingering scent, the clothes I fold, the art on the walls, the nightmares that wake me in tears…you are in everything. This unrelenting torture has reminded me how very much I love you.
I have not been the strongest of rocks in this storm. I was blindsided and with such a trigger…I have done my best. But I have vowed today to do better after something happened that put me into a tailspin. This weakness that I have, this fear, is the last thing you need. I wish I could explain how strong I’ve been thus far, despite how it may seem. Holding fast in this situation is, I imagine, akin to holding a red glowing sword in the bare hand and knowing that if you drop it, you will ultimately kill all that you hold dear and have worked so hard to acquire. I will strive to have the fortitude this takes to support your decision, but I am doing this with every possible problem that could happen being thrown at me. You have no idea how difficult this is, my love.
I have proven my loyalty to you in ways you could scarcely imagine since you left. I have had to ignore logic and follow my heart, for once, into this storm with you…because I love you with all my heart and soul. I have invested years into the idea of us and the belief that we were meant to last…that you were my destiny. I stared down the path that would follow should I choose to walk away this week, and I see where it leads. I looked at the path given my decision to hold fast…it is an unknown because it is reliant on your actions, your wants, your decisions. And at this moment, I do not know what they will be. I am completely vulnerable to your choices, dearest, because I chose to stay.
I heard a song today on the radio (Maybe I’m Amazed) that reminded me of you, reminded me how happy we were recently and how joyous my heart was to lay eyes on you once again. I couldn’t stop smiling. You make me happier than any human ever has when there is no drama. So extremely happy, so content, so pleased.
I know that it is presumptuous for a woman to say this to a man, but I want you to stay in my life forever. I need you in ways you haven’t imagined and I’ve only admitted today to another person like never before. I have prided myself on being so independent, so self sufficient because everyone I’ve ever depended on let me down. And you…you, Mr. X…have become so ingrained in my soul, pried back the battered petals of my soul and found your way into a part of me that makes it next to impossible to breathe when I know you’re gone and may possibly never return.
I have spent so long now with your male presence, longer than I ever have, and I have found all other men lacking. They don’t understand me, and I see them as inferior to both me, and you, in a number of ways. You are my match, my perfect mate…my equal in every way…and that is so rare I have only found one in a lifetime of searching. Please hold on to me, and never let me go.
Etiquette be damned, I suppose…there it is.
I have run from this fear every time something has occurred and destroyed us. It is terrifying. I hope that my presence reassures you that you are not the only one who has grown in the time we’ve had. I do see you. I feel your love in your communication, in your presence, however brief. I see your mission and your heart…I want to support you. I want to be uplifting and reassuring. I simply have moments that the frightened girl in me starts crying and packing her bags for fear that her counterpart has chosen to give her up and is letting her down rather gently.
But I will prevail. I will…because you are the hands down love of my life.
If I could kiss you right now, it would be the slowest, gentlest of kisses. I’ve learned so much lately about the value of the chaste, the sweet, the untouched…from you.
You have my heart and my trust. It is all that I own to any degree in this life, and I have given them to you while putting blinders on to anything…trusting you to lead me down this path and not to let me fall. Because I believe in you and the changes you’ve made. Ive never done this before for that reason.
I cannot wait until you are in my arms and my bed again. I will be right here waiting, how-everlong. Because the Great Heights you take me to are higher than any I have imagined, and I feel them between the moments of terror of late.
Until you are back from your mission, I wait, on a bed of nails you make me wait…but I wait because the reward–YOU–are worth waiting for.
–E
Dahlia Crimson 